The Worst Golfer Ever!

We all have good stories about bad golfers we've known, but if you want the great stories, go to a caddie.

I was lucky enough to play golf at Old Course St Andrews one time, where they pretty much force you to have a caddie. I was glad because the caddie, Dave Williams not only helped me lower my score, but told me some great stories.

I asked him: What's the worst golfer you ever caddied for?

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"Well, I had a guy one time shoot a 214."

Dave said this rather nonchalantly, but I was gobsmacked. A 214! How could anyone shoot a 214, even on a bad day at a hard course? You would have to work really hard to shoot a 214.

That's three days of golf for a good player, two for a player who's just plain awful. That's a scorecard you would have to frame in a prominent place, a tribute to incredible perseverance in the face of immeasurable bad ability.

How do you do it? Turns out, it's easy - you just have to be bad beyond bad.

Dave remembered the guy well because, for one thing, it was January and it was freezing.

"I knew I was in trouble when he had a one-foot gimme putt on the first hole," Dave said. "It was for a 14 and he insisted on taking it."

The incredibly bad golfer was from America and he played once a year. He insisted on taking every shot, no matter where it landed in the rough, no matter what his lie was and no matter that he was 100 strokes over par.

He told Dave he wanted to get his money's worth. Well, he may have been indescribably bad, but at least he was honest.

Another golfer came into the golf shop one day, according to Dave, with a group. He bought four dozen golf balls. Dave assumed he planned to distribute the balls to the group he was playing with. No. He kept them all to himself. By the 14th hole, he was out of balls.

That's 48 balls in 14 holes, if we give him the benefit of the doubt. An average of 3.4 balls a hole. Those aren't bad shots we're talking about - those are lost balls. You can get a dozen Pro V1s for about £20. That's £80 this guy spent. I hope he only plays once a year otherwise he's spending a fortune on golf balls.

There are all sort of bad golfer stories by regular blokes – take my mate Mike Porter for example who shot 125 recently at West Essex in Epping Forest. Not that bad I here you say. It is when I tell you Mike’s been playing twice a week for 30 years. Mike’s got the worst swing you have ever seen - he looks as if he’s trying to dig a hole and swat a wasp at the same time.

Then there are some of the ladies up at my course. I heard one of them bragging the other day about getting a 14 on a par 3. I nearly asked which hole but thought better of it.

My own story of the world's worst golfer involves a guy at my old course, Croham Hurst, down in South London, a single chap who rather cheerily requested to play through our threesome. No probs, I said. With us watching, he took four of the hardest swings I've ever seen, and never came close to hitting the ball. With his fifth attempt, he topped it, and the ball rolled about 6 yards further down the tee.

He went and picked up his ball, turned and walked past us to his buggy, and said "thanks." Then he turned around and drove off back toward the club house.I never saw him again. I have an enormous amount of respect for that guy - he never even looked sheepish. Brilliant stuff!